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The top 7 reasons I encourage my son to be an actor

There was an article on Backstage recently written by a casting director “5 Reasons I Won’t Discourage My Daughter From Acting.” For those of you that are not in the industry, a casting director is the person you go see for an audition.  I have to say I commend this woman for this article. And not just because my son is an actor. Cathy Reinking has been a casting director for more than 20 years, so she is not a newby by any stretch. It’s a refreshing change to so much negative we see regarding acting – especially for a child actor.

What struck me was reading the comments below her post and one individual who makes the comment about how she’s never been an actor herself and doesn’t understand when others should be discouraged (gently of course) from getting in to this business.

I find this a narrow-minded view. I am not young by any stretch – and this business is not the only area I have seen this “opinion” and parents that say “I would NEVER let my child do _____ for a living.” Whether it be in sports, military, legal, health, teacher, social work…you get the picture. Ironically, these same parents are happy doing these jobs (most of the time) and they do them well, just as Cathy states in her article of the parents she’s met.  Why not encourage your child to do what it is they love to do?  And what is wrong if they choose to follow in your footsteps?  Why is it necessary to discourage ANYONE from going after their dream – regardless of what that dream is? (gently or otherwise?) Instead of assuming a child “can’t handle it” or “can’t stick it out” or “doesn’t have the talent” what exactly is the harm in explaining to them what it takes (at an age appropriate level of course), and letting them take classes, and go one step at a time to see if they want to delve farther in to what their interests are?

I got a dose of this myself when my son decided to audition for the part of Ryan in High School Musical Junior at the local Oz children’s theatre. I wanted to “protect him” from the disappointment that might come if he didn’t get the part.  It was his first audition.  I thought I was preparing him and told him to just realize he might not get the part. After all, I am the mom and I don’t want to see him crushed. After I had said this the second or third time, driving to the audition, from the back seat he said to me “please don’t say that.” And, still thinking I needed to “prepare him” I asked him why not.  His answer hit me like a ton of bricks. “Because I have faith in myself.”  He was 9 years old. I shut up. Even at 9 he spoke with more conviction than I have heard from many adults.  And he got the part.  The joy on his face when he performed on that stage put me in tears – not tears of pride because my son was on stage – but tears because I got to witness the pure joy on his face doing what he loves.

Since then I have not discouraged him from doing anything – as long as it is legal, of course.  It’s not my job to discourage my son and tell him all the negatives and all the reasons why he should not do what is his passion; it is my job as his mom to prepare him for the world and to do what he can to make it a better place. He will need to make many decisions as an adult when I am not there. Learning to make decisions for himself at a younger age teaches him what the consequences of his decisions are. The first time he had to miss a birthday party because he had play practice he was disappointed. When I explained to him that this is the price you pay to go after your dreams, he didn’t hesitate. He had made a commitment to attend play practices according to the schedule, and Darla was strict about not missing play practice (as she should be). I asked him if he’d rather continue doing plays, or stop doing them so he could go to birthday parties like this (a question I ask continually when something like this comes up).  His answer? Well – duh – look at where we are. It was a great feeling for him (and me) when he had friends whose moms then began contacting me wanting to know what his schedule was so they could schedule their birthday parties around his play practice.

So here are my top seven reasons I encourage my child to be an actor;

1. Because it is his choice, his passion
2. Because of the sheer joy I see emanate from him when he is on stage, or on a set filming, and especially after the day is done
3. Because I can use it as leverage to ensure he gets good grades. (bad grades mean no more acting – and yes, he knows I will follow through because I always do)
4. Because his faith in himself is stronger than anyone – even me – discouraging him
5. Because of the life’s lessons he is learning while I can still give him guidance;

• Learning what work ethic is
• Learning that even when you are doing what you love, after being on set all day you can, will and do come home exhausted – and that’s how it is with any job – which is why it is important to do what you love
• Learning that there will be people that will only want to be his friend because he is an actor – now and in the future – and how to handle that
• Learning that it takes a team and effective communication to put together a great end-product
• Learning that even though he is only one team member, his contribution, as well as his lack of contribution can affect the end product
• Learning the importance of relationships with others (treating everyone with kindness but don’t let them walk all over you)
• Learning all about money, taxes, expenses, and tax returns
• Learning why what you get paid is not what your final check is – and figuring out the percentages of how much goes where and what happens with the rest
• Learning how to start a business from the ground up because that is what this is
• Learning to balance play time, school time, and work time and realize it is important to have interests outside of acting as well
• Learning that choices have consequences
• Learning that to go after a passion means sometimes making sacrifices in order for it to happen – and that’s ok

6. Because by encouraging my son to go after HIS passion – I have watched him grow more than I ever thought possible
7. Because he has taught me what having faith in yourself means

Who am I to stop him?

 

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Hang on for the ride!

     After twenty plus years in the military, it gets drilled in to you that if you are 15 minutes early, you’re late.  In more than four years of cross-country commuting and running to auditions, some six hours away, not once did I get my son late to an audition.  Even on the day that he had three auditions; so in four hours we went from downtown LA to Santa Monica to Burbank.  Or the day he had two auditions that were 15 minutes apart across town from each other.  Still not sure how we managed that other than “good representation” that helps smooth things over but still got there before his scheduled times.  As a rule, I have learned in LA traffic to double the amount of time it is “supposed” to take to get to an audition, and then add 20 minutes for parking and getting in the door.  It’s worked well.  Except this one time…. (at band camp) ….

     SO, Cody has an audition in the afternoon and gets coaching in the morning as his coach is booked later in the day.  He also has just that week started algebra and had been frustrated at 4 attempts for one assignment, so I decided to become his tutor.  After all, I am a college graduate.  I did get good grades in Algebra in high school.  Except….it’s been a few decades years.  SO, it’s kind of like both of us stumbling in the dark.  The joys of home-schooling with an on-line program!  While he is appreciative, he’s still frustrated because of course an on-line course does not show you what you did wrong.  In hindsight, the probably was not the best day to start doing this….

     SO, audition is at 4:00 in Santa Monica in an area/building we have been before so I know the parking situation on the street behind the building where we need to be.  Or so I thought.  We leave at 3:00 (later I realized that my math be-fuddled brain was so messed up that I mis-calculated – we should have left at 2:30, but then I couldn’t share this story!), and of course the traffic is worse than usual.  We show up in the area to park (mind you, the breakdown also says “we do not validate at the nearby garage, there is parking available in the surrounding neighborhoods and parking meters on side streets). WELL, the HUGE parking lot that is behind these set of buildings is now under construction and the ONE STREET that ALWAYS has parking – one side there are NO available spaces (although if people parked right there would have been a few), the other side of this same street and ALL the neighborhoods have “permit parking only” otherwise no parking allowed. The parking on the street with meters…no parking from 3-5pm! WTF!?  So I drive around for 30 minutes LEARNING all this shit crap and not a single legal parking space. I ask Cody to pull out the breakdown to read the details that maybe I missed. He discovers he does not have his headshot folder, which also has the printed breakdown…and sides. Well double-crap.  It’s too late to drive back to get headshots…and you NEVER show up at an audition without a headshot….I suggest calling his manager about the time that I decide to park in un-validated garage, however, I forget that the entrance is on the side street that I had already passed and not on the main drag, and of course the FIRST right turn to go back around is a half mile away (which seems like 10 miles when you’re in a hurry). Cody asks his manager what he should do since he forgot his headshot….well….some good-natured heckling happened here.  It is already after 4:00 so, he’s late.  No getting around it.  We pull in to the parking garage and the valet says we can park “over there” but could get charged $20. Cheaper than a $60+ parking ticket – and after 3 I can’t afford another one. At 4:10 we walk in to the lobby of the building where the sign-in is at. Cody signs in and I sit down – my brain still befuddled and wondering what the $#>! just happened. We sign the non-disclosure agreement (NDA) and the casting director (CD) takes Cody and 2 other boys upstairs together to the audition room.

     

     After the audition, Cody gives me the low-down. Fortunately they had a set of sides next to sign-in, so he used those. He said he handed the CD the NDA, and said “here’s the NDA, and I don’t have a headshot because it’s been one of THOSE days” and the CD laughs and says she totally understands. He says he has seen this CD before so they know him and his work. They did tell him they were very happy with his performance and how professional he was. And they proceeded to ask him if he would be ok if they dyed his hair. He tells them “I don’t care, it’s just hair” (HA – he made a rhyme!  Gotta find the humor somewhere here!)

     On the way back to the parking garage (which ended up costing only $6….I could have saved $20 in gas driving around for 30 minutes!) we decide to go to the nearest Starbucks and just chill for a little bit because we are going to have to deal with this traffic going back. And since we know how accurate googlemaps is, we pull it up on the phone, AND the gps (I like to follow the pink line), and proceed to head to starbucks…and as we arrive at the location….no such Starbucks to be seen. OK – let’s just go home then. SOOOOOO, once again because googlemaps is SO informative and shows traffic, I reach for my phone so that he can bring up the route and see if we can at least go a direction that is less congested (like that’s even possible in LA?)….no phone. I reach under BOTH legs (I usually keep it under my right one, sticking out, so that I can grab it quickly if needed.) No phone, I even reached between my legs….Cody asks if it is on silent (no – as we had just had the discussion after the audition about my noises sounding like a clown car), and proceeds to call it. No ringing–it goes to voicemail; he takes everything out of my purse he calls my Mary Poppins bag, no dice.  He looks all over on the floor. I am of course thinking WTF?! Yet again, and how the hell could I have LOST MY PHONE when I SWEAR I had it in my hand getting IN the car. SO I pull off to a side street where I have to go 3 blocks to find a safe place to pull over….and proceed to get out….the phone was UNDER MY ASS (my husband had a field day with THAT). No missed call. UGH. I said many choice words – yes – a complete long run-on sentence of nothing but profanity came out of my mouth quite loudly and Cody looks at me big-eyed and in all seriousness says “you sound just like aunt Diane.”  I looked at him and said “where do you think I learned it?”  What on EARTH IS it with this ENTIRE day?!  It was funny, but not.

     BACK in the vehicle I get and we head home. In spite of all this we are both in good spirits. Because he is now taking psychology, he is sharing with me that there is something to be learned from this, so we proceed to analyze the events of the past two hours. Coming to Santa Monica we need to leave 15 minutes earlier (ya think?!). The parking fiasco – that changed since the last time we were there and of course we did not know that. What he said he got out of it – don’t take anything for granted, and don’t take yourself or life, too seriously (not like we’re gonna get out of it alive anyway!). I told him he handled himself well and as professionally as he could considering the circumstances. It didn’t do any good to get angry or frustrated (I believe it was short-lived on both our parts as neither of us snapped at each other over it–we just both kind of laughed through it – befuddled). He didn’t beat himself up over it too much before going in to the audition, and obviously did well as he usually does. It is nice to see that the CDs know his work. 

     SO, two hours later we are home, relaxing, eating dinner and his manager calls. He says they put a pin in Cody…then pulled it out. (this means that they are one of the final picks but haven’t completely decided yet). When Cody books, it has ALWAYS been his manager AND agent on the phone to congratulate him when he books…it was only his manager this time and so in my brain I am thinking “ok, he didn’t book, so why is he calling and telling us they put a pin in him and then pulled it out?” As my brain fizzles some more he continues….HE BOOKED!!!! This was for an episode of Revolution as young Calvin Horn titled “Come Blow Your Horn” which first aired in November.  Oh – and he’ll be done with 9th Grade Algebra in the next couple of weeks.  He’s got an A so far…

 

To see what else Cody has been working on, you can follow his fanpage on Facebook or check out his imdb page.

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               I haven’t written in this blog for more than a year.  It has been a busy one in a multitude of ways – of course life is always busy.  All I can say is that I was beyond overwhelmed.  It seems the dust has settled at least to some extent – for now!  Haha.  One promise I made to myself was that after the dust settled, I wanted to make a plan to write in this blog more and come up with some sort of plan/organization to continue to post – instead of “when I feel like it” – because THAT has obviously been working so wonderfully.

               Before I completely get back in to this, though, I wanted to spend the time in this post and talk about the women in my life and getting even.  Most of the women in my life know my past, but for those that don’t, I will do my best to give an abbreviated version—so bear with me.  The first woman in my life, like everyone else, was my mother.   I was her fourth daughter – born a number of years after the older three – so as they hit their teens I watched how she treated them.  As the youngest, for the first 11 years of my life it is like I was the favorite – and I don’t doubt I was…just ask my sisters.  This is a woman that truly should not have had children.  She kicked all three of my sisters out of the house for different reasons – while I was much younger and did not know all the details, I knew enough and learned enough to know something was just not right.  I don’t know if she had a mental illness that she needed medical care for, or if she was just a narcisstic bitch.  Before I turned 16, I watched all three of my sisters get kicked out of the house and out of MY life (and two of them chose to come visit me at school during the school year because THEY were still trying to have me in their lives – something I am thankful for), and I watched as all three came back in to “her graces” and once again I watched her antics and the drama she created – and poof – once again – all three of them were booted out of her life – yet again.  I swore if she ever kicked me out of her life, I wasn’t going back to deal with all THAT crap.  Well….that day came two months before my sixteenth birthday.  Thank goodness in a sane moment she had married a man that became my step-dad – and always was and is “Dad” to me.  In 1980 step-parent adoptions during divorce were unheard of.  But he did what he could.  We tried counseling numerous times and the counselor always shook her head at the things that would come out of my mother’s mouth.  I sent her an announcement for my high school graduation (not an invite – just the announcement – I did not want her there, but I did want her to know I DID graduate – as she was sure I was too stupid to accomplish this).  I received a card from her telling me congratulations on my graduation, but she would be vacationing in Arizona during that time so wouldn’t be able to make it.  OK.  I tried one last time to connect with her a month before I left for Air Force basic training – in a drunk moment I called her thinking that MAYBE we could have an adult conversation and maybe start an adult relationship.   I realized how wrong I was when she told me I would never make it through basic training and would never amount to anything.  While I left for basic training with a clear conscience for having tried, it did affect all my relationships for a while.  I honestly thought that I was just like her – and that ANYONE that liked me liked her and I didn’t want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE that liked her.

               Years later (after a 20 year career in the AF), I reconnected with a cousin and found out she had not changed a bit.  There was a point when his mother (her brother’s wife) called my mother early in the morning – she needed to get to the emergency room – she didn’t know what was happening to her.  Instead of calling her kids who were all getting ready to head to work and dealing with their own kids, she decided to call my mother and see if she could get her there – she didn’t live very far away.  Guess what – my mother told her no – she wasn’t taking her to the emergency room.  And she hung up on her.  WOW.  No explanation then, or after.  Ever.

               She passed away a few years ago of lung cancer – just before mother’s day.  My sister called and as we had always joked it would be “ding dong, the witch is dead” message when the call came.  I had forgotten about it.  She didn’t.  When the paperwork for the will came, every single one of her children were listed, with current addresses (never mind it had been 30 years since I’d spoken to her – and countless moves—longer for a couple others) and specifically excluded from her will.  None of us ever wanted any money from her, but she was ALWAYS concerned that we wanted her money.   Once again – something was not right here – none of us ever asked her for money or borrowed it from her, but you would think that was every conversation she had with any of us.  I could understand this if she was worth millions—but she never was and she didn’t leave much behind.  It’s like she was always trying to “get even” with those around her – even though people did not even remotely do what she accused them of.

               So what does this have to do about getting even with all the other women in my life?  Well, for years I was bitter that she had the gall to treat her kids so badly.  What mother does that?  My sister always said “it doesn’t cost anything to be nice – and she wasn’t nice.”  She’s right.  For years I tried figuring out why – and then realized that was a fruitless endeavor.  But even before she passed, I had long forgiven her – not to her face, but for my own peace.  I don’t know why she was like she was – she rarely shared childhood stories with us (I remember 2).   But in the forgiveness I learned many things because of the way SHE was.  I learned the way NOT to be a mother to my child.  It’s not necessary to be extremely punitive – which she was good at – nor is extreme permissiveness the answer.  It’s about finding a balance.

               The BIGGEST thing I can thank her for – maybe I needed to see HER behavior so that I could appreciate all the other women in my life, and learn to have the confidence in myself without her approval.  Today I received a Facebook message from a woman – her husband is a part of a mastermind group I am a part of.  He is the only guy in the group – and always talks about her in our meetings.  I have had only a couple of short conversations with her and then a few weeks ago she friended me.  I had been meaning to send her a note, but just had not had the chance – she beat me to it.  But what she sent me nearly put me in tears.  She told me that she had been praying daily for the last four years for me, my husband, and Cody and our journey as he builds his dreams.  That she had been meaning to friend me earlier and just now got around to it.  We have mutual friends and mutual interests – we just have not had the chance yet to spend more than a few minutes in conversation.  She asked if there was anything specific I would like her to pray for as she prays daily for people in her life.  To say I was astounded, shocked, honored – is an understatement.  For the last month I had been thinking about how best to write this blog and honor all the women in my life and her kindness triggered it.  What a contrast to what I grew up seeing and experiencing.

               As I go through and think about all these women; women that would die for their country, their children, other family members; women that raise other women’s children because they can’t for some reason; women that have dealt with sexual assault at too young of an age from people who were supposed to be protecting them; women that deal with their own children being bullied, or sexually assaulted; women who want to have children and can’t; women who couldn’t have children but still figured out how; women that deal with watching as their own children battle drug addiction and jail time; women that have dealt with their own addictions; women that remain strong while helping their own children through illnesses too numerous to mention; women that have had to bury their children too soon; women that still want to have dreams of their own while holding it all together; women that deal with scandals –  in their personal lives as well as work lives; women that deal with financial crisis and disasters; women that are or have dealt with the loneliness that comes from not having a loved one there anymore – either through death, break-up, or divorce; women that are battling their own illnesses; women dealing with job loss-whether their own or a spouse; women who deal with all the joys and frustrations of relationships with their significant others; women who are single moms – whether by choice or not; women that don’t think about how hard it is to continue on with life day to day, but just do it; women that still reach out to help other women even when they are dealing with any one or more of the above; women that still do go after their own ambitions and dreams amidst their own struggles; I can’t help but be amazed.

               All these women in my life have dealt with so much yet are always at the ready to help other women – not just me.  Maybe it has me in so much awe because I saw so little of it as a child.  It doesn’t matter.  I find that these women while dealing with their issues will give what time they can or have – whether it is only an hour or two – a small kindness to them – but something that means the world to me (or the woman they are helping).  So now it’s time for me to get even.  For the last year I dealt with so many changes in my life, and so much stress, I didn’t know which way to turn.  It was a realization that just a few hours of someone helping me, or talking through issues or ideas helped me tremendously to continue on.  I realized that while I had been “nicer” to others than my first role model, I really wasn’t reaching out to help like so many others have done to me through the years.  Or so it seems that I just don’t enough.  One way I have chosen to do that is writing this blog – and re-dedicating myself to more frequent posts.  Navigating this business of being the parent of a child actor is a challenge for any parent – and if I can help others by making it just a little bit less confusing, less stressful, I hope it helps.

               Another mom of child actors reached out to me recently – also from Florida.  We have had conversations in the past – of course they were in the midst of coming or going from classes or auditions – but she called to see about going to dinner.  And we did.  We’ll do it again, but it also made me realize I need to make the contacts too – I don’t need to wait for others to reach out to me.  All these women in my life just amaze me – every single one of you is precious to me in ways you may never know.  I have learned kindness in ways I never thought possible.   Every single one of you is an inspiration to me.

               While I have reached out to all the women in my life in this post, in case you haven’t noticed, I have not named a single one by name.  That is because every single one has been through multiple things on the list above and still forges on.  It’s not necessary as every one of you reading this will see yourself in that list and know it is about you.  It is also about those that cannot read this because they have passed.  Remember to be nice to yourself – you have been through a LOT and you deserve the kindness only you can give yourself.

               So I am back – and for all the women in my life – and the ones I have not yet met, this blog is dedicated to you and getting even with you.  I hope to bring you to tears – through making you laugh so hard you can’t keep it in.  You ROCK!

***about the picture: this is nowhere near the number of women in my life; these were the only pictures I could fit.***